i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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