From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
