This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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