You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
