And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
