i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
