it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
