so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
