Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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