I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
