so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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