the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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