She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
