Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
