im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
