did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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