There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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