I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
