Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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