i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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