i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
