Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
