At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
