Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
