I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
