do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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