Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
