Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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