i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
