I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
