Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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