It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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