WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
