i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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