I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
