man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
false alarm. still invincible.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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