I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
