If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
