you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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