Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
