the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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