apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
