3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
