I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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