You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
