I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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