It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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