i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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