I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
