Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So vagazzling was a success
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
