So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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