Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
