I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
