Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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