My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
