you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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