OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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