Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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