First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
