there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
