In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You ruined the universe
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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