your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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